Hi Readers,
I’m writing this article in response to an article
that my Fighting
Chance colleague Jo
Berry called Too Many
Taboos and while
she’s focused on tailoring to be disability-specific, in my attempt, I’m going
to focus on the whole kit and caboodle when it comes to disability struggles –
from the well-meaning and/or controversial setups between friends and family,
personal insecurities brought on by adversity and to achieving against all
odds; and sharing stories chronicling all 3 aspects.
When you often hear the term “I’m ‘smitten’ with
somebody” then that’s usually an indication that they’re romantically involved
with someone, so why should people with PLCs (permanent lifetime
challenges) miss out on everything romantic love has to offer?
What is important for us to note is that people
with PLCs are also human beings who have kind hearts that have the capacity to
love, support and encourage others just like able-bodied people can and do, the
only difference is that when it comes to being in intimate or romantic
relationships, the sole challenge they face is that they need to make precise
decisions regarding aspects of their relationship or where it might futuristically lead to.
Let’s face it, whether you’re an able-bodied
person or a PLC-affected person, I’m pretty sure that you’ve all had
well-meaning friends and family members try to set you up on a date which all
in all is fine, but where do you draw the line when you feel that your capacity
to make individualistic decisions regarding your own relationship gets
overtaken by everyone
else’s perception of how and/or what the dynamic of your relationship should be
like?
Anyone who knows me personally will tell you
that I’m fiercely-outspoken and a confident conversationalist who talks like a
broken record to the point where you sometimes can’t get a word in edge-wise.
This attribute particularly escalates when I get wholeheartedly captivated by
others, and whilst it’s possible to enjoy somebody’s else company regardless of
what gender they are, I still can’t see why it, in turn, has to therefore be
misconstrued as me being in love with them.
The most frustrating thing that I experience
frequently is the fact that people often misperceive my right to open vocal
self-expression for me being overly-obsessed in people. But why? Is it just
societal norm? Could it be “gender ignorance”? Or could disability influence
it?
In my final years of school in
2006 and 2007, I was thrown into a classroom with males where I was the only
female. Their personalities seemed “emotively immature”* which meant that I had
to learn the “boys will be boys” lesson the hard way and I found this extremely
difficult to deal with at times because I was the oldest of three girls who had
male friends with conservative upbringings, so walking into this unfamiliar
territory took me completely outside my comfort zone and on a big learning
curve, that at times I found confronting. I think that
learning about it in the school setting was helpful as opposed to being thrown
smack-bang out in the real world because I had the support of my teachers and
felt comfortable enough to talk to them about it.
My testosterone-fueled school experience taught
me how to relate better to males and that I can actually
pursue a romantic relationshipn with one if I wanted to.
Now, should the opportunity arise for me to
score a date on my own
terms as a result
of this article and I feel wholeheartedly ready for it then so be it, I’ll
happily take it. However, that is not what the general consensus of this
article is about.
PLC-affected sufferers have their own personal
insecurities and therefore must remember that beauty isn’t just skin deep when
it comes to love.
Take for example, American war hero turned actor
J.R. Martinez who received burns to 40% of his body (arms, hands and face) in a
car explosion whilst deployed in the Iraqi war. After undergoing 34
reconstructive skin graft surgeries, he thought he might never find love and
was quoted in an Entertainment
Tonight interview as
saying:
“What girl is gonna feel comfortable
kissing my scars on my cheeks and forehead?”
Little did he realise that the truth in the
saying of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” would somehow ring true for
him one day, because he’s now married and a father to one year-old daughter
Lauryn.
Then there’s Serbian Australian American-based
motivational speaker and author Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms and legs
and thought of suicide when he was just 8 years old. He never shied away from
the idea he might find romantic love and get married and went on to achieve it
despite adversity. He even said:
“I may not be able to hold my wife’s hand but I am
able to hold her heart.”
Then when his wife Kanae got asked how she feels
about her love life setting which came with a difference, she said:
“To me it wasn’t any
different falling in love with Nick, I fell in love with him the way he is now.
Because I had dated other guys and I had gone for the physical, and you know,
but I was tired of that, and the moment I met Nick I was looking for other
things, and all those things I found them in him. So that’s when I felt like
wow, he’s not only boyfriend material, but he’s like - he could be my husband.”
He now is her husband and to her, he has
“everything he needs” and now they’re the proud parents of one year-old son
Kiyoshi.
Regardless of what challenges you face in life,
I conclusively feel that nothing should stop you from having relationships in
whichever form they come in. Both platonic and romantic relationships are
beautiful – there’s nothing wrong with girls and boys, men and women having
close friendships with one another and have it be recognised as a normal part
of life. Furthermore, the only people that should be making decisions about
their own relationships are the people involved in the relationships
themselves.
You’re welcome to formulate your own opinion on
the interview links that chronicle all 3 aspects and read my colleague Jo
Berry’s article:
Singer/songwriter Tina Arena on the well-meaning
and/or controversial date setups between family and friends - http://au.news.yahoo.com/sunday-night/features/article/-/19330508/tina-arena/ .
American war hero turned actor J.R. Martinez on finding love
despite adversity - http://www.etonline.com/news/126416_JR_Martinez_Reveals_Shocking_Injury_Photos/index.html .
Nick Vujicic on finding love against all odds:
part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_-Ws_dhS44 and part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYB3QSLarLg .
Emotively immature”: “Emotively immature” is a term that I’ve
come up with to help me distinguish the difference between boys who wholly
“live and embrace” the “boys will be boys” concept and the well-behaved
“goody-two-shoes” boys.
