All my friends are married. Where do I go now?

If anyone reading this article thinks that I’m complaining about my life and/or loathing it in any way, shape or form, then think again, because you sometimes need to take the cards that life throws at you no matter the capacity in which they come in: be it permanent or temporary as well as being hard or easy; because it’s what you do with those cards that helps determine whether you sink or swim through them.

  

Case in point, as I look through my circle of friends, I see that the majority of my friends who are around my age are now parents and I know that this could be a really lonely and sometimes confronting time for people who are childless, because they might feel like they’re the odd ones out and equally feel like they no longer have anything in common with their once-single friends, so here’s my advice to those struggling with this:

Know that it’s completely natural to sometimes feel this way and you’re not alone, don’t be completely disheartened by that, try not to listen to people who judge you negatively on it and instead try to take as much time as you need to understand what your friend’s new life step entails and try to think of ways in which you could support them, in the life stage that you’re at.

Let me assure you by confirming that I have sometimes felt that at different times in my adult life, but I haven’t let that in itself stop me from having a place in my friends’ lives because of the respect we have for each other’s life journeys.

I also feel really blessed to be a “surrogate aunty” to all my friends’ kids and I’m also looking forward to having my story instil bravery, courage, resilience as well as a fighting spirit in them.

Remembering Jackie Collins, one year on

I'm sure Jackie Collins' memory is being kept alive through her books, but this time, I'll be using this memory in the name of health.

Breast health is important (for both men and women), and remember you're never too old or too young to get them checked out.

I had my first breast check when I was 17 years old and I was then diagnosed with a condition called fibro adenoma, which in simple terms means breast fibroids, so I can't stress enough how important early detection is, because it certainly did save my life.

It's also important to remember that in some cases, women themselves actually find the lumps during self-examinations, so my advice to anyone reading this, (men and women) is to get to know your breasts and if you notice any changes, please talk to your partners and/or parents about it and go to the doctor immediately. As Fran Drescher says: "Catch it on arrival, 95% survival."

My first book "reflection"

I’ve decided to try and reinvent myself as a writer, and in my attempt to do so; I’m going out on a limb and getting completely out of my comfort zone. I’m writing my first book “reflection” which makes me really nervous but I’m excitedly up for the challenge. In this blog, I’ll also be introducing my lovely freelance writing assistant *Gina Lednyak* who’ll be helping me edit this article and others that I write.

Please note that the following blog was intended to be a general book “review” about two of my favourite celebrity biography books but due to the fact that everyone has different tastes in terms of what they like to read, and I don’t want to be “impolitely critical” about the books and/or their celebrity authors whom I both admire and highly respect, I decided instead to turn this blog into a book “reflection” chronicling what I learnt from reading them and why I feel that they’re a must-read.

For me as a freelance writer, whilst I’m thankful to have my journey as a writer be the way it is now, there are times where I sometimes wonder what sort of writer I would be had it started in reverse. What I mean by that is, when I growing up, from my childhood to teenagehood, I started reading fiction and novel books like The babysitters club, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and New York minute (which is also a movie adaptation starring American fashion designer and actresses the Olsen twins Mary-Kate and Ashley) and kept lots of journals/diaries. I stopped reading and writing altogether at 16, however, to focus on my schoolwork then I took them both back up when I was 19 and have stuck with it ever since. Now as an adult, I’m more into reading celebrity biography books and one of the most interesting and fascinating things about writing, that I’ve found, is that it allows you, without any judgement whatsoever, to go deep within you to places that you’ve never been before which in turn can sometimes offer you different perspectives and/or give the opportunity to express yourself from a completely different place. I’ve gotten so many great quotes and learnt several valuable life lessons that are particularly from reading the celebrity biography books alone that in hindsight makes me wonder whether I should’ve started reading the celebrity biography book first and as a child because reading them taught me life lessons. On the other hand, reading novel and fiction books taught me about wording, creativity and expressions.

So, the two favourite books going under my “reflective” spotlight are Anh Do’s The happiest refugee and Kris Jenner’s Kris Jenner and all things Kardashian. The reason as to why I particularly chose those two is because they both chronicle the fact that dreams do come true and they both have similar teachable messages but also offer different thought-provoking perspectives on permitting oneself to dream and believing in the possibility that dreams can be and are achievable.

I understand completely that every reader has their own opinion(s) about the Kardashian family, which is fine; you either love them or hate them, each to their own. But, back in 2011, I had the pleasure of reading their mum Kris Jenner’s book. In it, she takes readers right back to where it all began - her childhood. She also talks about how she “dreamt” every step of her life and uses her experience to motivate others to believe in that possibility and thrive with it. She also talks about how she “consciously” chose to turn the difficult and unexpectedly life-changing challenges that life threw at her into second chance “awakenings” that in turn helped make her a better person.

I, for one, have had the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover” thrown at me my whole life. So throughout my own life I try my very best to follow that saying myself, whenever and wherever I can, and when it comes to the passing judgement on the Kardashian family there’s no exception.

While I respect the fact that opinions are divided on them, I also feel that your past doesn’t define and/or control you unless you choose for it to do so, and let’s face it even the “world’s worst sinners” sometimes need and/or deserve “second chances” to redeem and/or better themselves.

So after watching only four episodes of their reality TV show/family documentary Keeping up with the Kardashians, I then made up my mind and formulated my opinion about them: I think that they’re a reasonably nice family whose members protectively and lovingly look out for one another and are also extremely close and tight-knit.

They also demonstrate their kindness streak by doing frequent children’s hospitals appearances, giving to charities, and they even helped a single mum-of-three who was still living in her caravan after she lost her home in 2005’s Hurricane Katrina, that devastated the U.S. city of New Orleans, by donating all the furniture and household appliances she needed to help her start anew and rebuild her life.

This is just me, but I also feel that they purposefully use their reality TV show as a learning-curve outlet for viewers to draw examples from.

All in all, reading Kris’ book was inspiring and it taught me things that made me wish her book was written in my teenage years. But the thing that resonated with me the most was one of her quotes which said:

“If someone says ‘no’ then you are talking to wrong person”.

And I guess the reason why this particularly speaks to me so accurately, is because; all throughout my life growing up and sometimes still today as an adult, whenever I say to people that I want to try and attempt new recreation activities as well as pursue new personal and career goals, they look at me and respond to me like I’m a “easy-going and crazy weirdo” and have given me reactions of ignorant and continuous eye-rolling. But I now feel proud of myself and also very lucky because, time and time again I’ve managed to prove my critics wrong and defied the odds by never taking “no” for an answer (even if it entailed the fact that I sometimes felt the need to be and/or become a “stubborn bitch”), deal with, put up with, and/or survive the scrutiny and/or drama that may come with it; and insisting-without-restraint to do things my way.

So I feel that that quote alone has empowered me more than ever to wholeheartedly believe in myself, my strengths and my overall capabilities.

The second book I’ll now be talking about is The Happiest Refugee by Vietnamese-born Australian comedian, actor and author Anh Do.

This book is so un-put-down-able that I literally could’ve read it in one day straight, but it took me five weeks to read. I got my daily dose of laughter from it but this book also made me feel emotional at times. Most importantly it taught me lessons on how to be forgiving of others. I loved it so much that I felt inspired to write about it. What was also exciting was that a few of my friends were reading it around the same time that I was but wouldn’t and didn’t give me “spoiler alerts”.

All in all, besides the fact that I would literally laugh before I got to funny sentences and I would skip pages to see what I had to look forward to next, I thoroughly enjoyed going on this funny, at-times emotional and thought-provoking ride that Anh’s book had to offer me and I learnt heaps from it which I’ll share with you readers in the next few paragraphs.

What inspired me to write about this book in the first place was a quote that I read from chapter 7 which completely resonated with me. This quote was:

“I was actually furious at him. I realised that maybe some of the teachers knew of my situation, and I was paranoid that it would get out. ‘Anh is poor.’ ‘Poor Anh, his mum doesn’t have any money.’ ‘Don’t you feel so sorry for the poor refugee?’ I cringed as I imagined them talking about me. I hated being on the receiving end of sympathy.”

Reading that quote is what made me want to write about this book because I felt somewhat a sense of “transitional empowerment*” from it.

While the writer in me was triggered by her heart to write a book reflection about this particular book, the logical person in me told herself to wait until she finished it completely; and boy it was worth the wait because I learnt heaps from it – and I ended up following my heart and I’m currently sitting at my computer typing away at this.

I can relate to all the family members in different ways, so I’ll start by explaining my reason why I relate so much to the quote above which I also feel directly correlates to why I can also relate to Anh’s younger brother Khoa.

Here’s the thing: I was born with a PLC (permanent lifetime challenge) which is a moderate case of cerebral palsy and while some people think that their disability can stop them or limit them from doing normal, regular activities and living their life to its fullest potential, (which can both extremely sad and heart-breaking for both the individual and their family), I on the hand, have refused to let it run or control my life and also have disallowed for it to be the subject of self-pity among and around me. This is why I can relate to Khoa (because I too sometimes hate fanfare and fakes).

Secondly, the reason why the quote above heartbreakingly hit home for me is because I’ve been there, I understand how it feels – it hurts, and I cried for 20 minutes straight. This may sound weird but, when I read that very passage I just wanted to reach out and hug him (through the book somehow) and say: “I know how you feel, you’re such a brave person. Hang in there, it'll get better. And I want you to know that I now feel inspired by you, so thank you for that."

Ever since I started my new job in 2011 as a “new media and research assistant” which entails me chronicling the challenges of a young person with a disability through online blog-writing, I then started questioning stuff further and became more opinionated then I thought I was before.

Ever since I started my new job in 2011 as a “new media and research assistant” which entails me chronicling the challenges of a young person with a disability through online blog-writing, I then started questioning stuff further and became more opinionated then I thought I was before.

Then shortly thereafter reading it (that particular quote), I felt a wave of “transitional empowerment” come over me because it did give me an answer to the paragraph above which I’m 100% happy with - reading that quote confirmed that I should keep doing what I do and not lower my personality standards for anyone or anything. It also inspired me to turn the “negative” connotation it continuously gives me into a “positive” and use it to help motivate and inspire others to silence their critics and prove them wrong, because I wholeheartedly believe that no-one deserves to be looked down on and/or victimised, no matter what.

I also feel that Anh and I have one thing in common which I particularly can relate to; We both have that “If you mess with my family or friends then you mess with me” element instilled in our personalities, which makes me feel like I’ve met my match in that attitude department.

Now I’ll talk about Anh’s comedic side, which I discovered when reading the book, because I thought he made an interesting and funny observation about how boys and girls get treated differently.

The 2 correlative quotes that I feel best represent the statement above are:

“It’s funny how boys and girls are treated differently. My sister always got a haircut at the hairdressers but Khoa and me, that was a job for Mum. And she was appalling at it. No training, no method, no tools; just a pair of kitchen scissors – the type that you use to cut chickens apart – and a two-buck comb.”

and

“My wife is not one to make snap decisions, whether it’s about her career or which placemats to buy at Ikea.”

Which now also brings me to where and how I can relate to Anh’s youngest sister Tram. Now, it is often said that if you’re the only daughter in your family (between boys) then you sometimes feel the need to look after them like you’re their oldest sister (or their “mother”) which was sometimes the case for her, growing up. I can relate to this because I’m like that too (even though I’m the oldest of 3 girls). But what got me talking most about her was the fact that I kept wondering how on earth she survived being the only girl between 2 boys. That’s probably why her mum sent her to the hairdresser’s weekly, but I’m sure being the youngest and only sister that she felt so loved and spoilt by the whole family.

Another reason as to why I can also relate to her is because in my final years of school in 2006 and 2007, I was thrown into a classroom with boys whose personalities were “emotively immature”* which meant that I had to learn the “boys will be boys” lesson the hard way and I found this extremely difficult to deal with at times because I was the oldest of three girls who had male friends with conservative upbringings. Walking into this unfamiliar territory took me completely outside my comfort zone and on a big learning curve which I had to grow through. I’m ok with it now, however, and I’ve gotten used to it, and I now don’t really mind it anywhere. So Tram, I know how you feel sometimes honey.

I mentioned earlier that reading this book also taught me lessons on how to be forgiving of others, and here’s the conclusion I’ve come to – life gives you challenges but you can “choose” whether you allow for them to “paralyse” you and dictate the decisions you make, or whether you use them to help you grow stronger. Having said that, I feel that, realistically, forgiveness for me has always had a conflicted connotation to it but I still feel that it’s important to have it in your heart for the culprits and wrongdoers that cause you pain or harm in order to move forward (even though you sometimes can’t stand seeing them face-to-face). I believe in the saying “prevention is better than cure” and I’ve sometimes managed to use that to my advantage to use my experiences to help inspire and empower people through both my writing and my personal presence in their lives.

I also mentioned earlier that I can relate to each of his family members in different ways, well, that’s also no exception when it comes to both his parents...

Firstly, I’ve got so much respect and admiration for his mum because she managed to lovingly understand, raise and instill a balanced attitude in her 3 children, all whilst working to overcome adversities of her own such as single parenthood and  financial struggles. On top of that she also opened up her home to help the needy if they were to require it, which is inspirational. She was also the one who instilled the “forgiveness” trait in her kids.

“It’s not the ‘person’ whom you hate, it’s the ‘situation’ that they’re in and/or have gotten themselves in.” – Karen Stintz (chair of the 

Toronto Transit Commission from 2010 to 2012).

“I returned to the door and my father was sobbing. I was shocked. I had never seen him like this before. Ever. He turned and walked away, and I didn’t see him again for the rest of my childhood.”

“I realised that, when he wasn’t drunk, this guy was indeed the most wonderful dad in the world. Somehow, during the past eight years I had managed to block out all the good memories and focused on what he’d done wrong.”

“Like me, it took them both a while to get used to the idea. Since that day I have seen a healing in my brother and sister. It hasn’t been easy and it’s taken a long time, but there is a forgiveness that allows them to leave behind the anger and memories of a violent drunken father, and remember a wonderful loving father.”

“There's only two times in life, there's now and there's too late.”

“Always question your fear, Anh. There’s almost never a good reason to be scared.”

I mentioned earlier that I had opinions on both his parents, which hasn’t changed, and although I feel confident in what I want to say about his dad; I want the next paragraphs to be about the power of both hope and forgiveness conquering all adversity.

And it is out of respect for everyone who is still reeling from the negative affects of their own life’s adversities and haven’t yet made and/or are at peace with themselves, that I went on to endlessly research the book quotes that were related to his dad and contemplated them deeply before I proceeded to write this...In saying that, please know that my heartfelt compassion goes out to those who still struggle somehow, I hope you one day find peace with yourself and become strong warriors.

As I was thoroughly researching this story again, this time I reflectively focused on the quotes that were related to his dad, I found that deep down inside, he is a good loving dad who masked his pain with drunken violence and while he consequently paid the price by becoming an absent father as a result of a drunken violence incident gone wrong; he never stopped loving his family (as noted in the second quote). What was equally admirable about him is, when things got tough with his health, he somehow managed to use it to help him gain a new perspective on life, forgave himself and repaired his relationship with his family.

I also learnt two lessons from him: I’ll definitely make more of an effort in future to question my fears (as noted in the sixth quote) and while the fifth quote entails a different connotation which I understand, agree with and go by, it applies to me differently, particularly from a professional perspective, because ever since I became a writer I’ve had so much “creative adrenalin” for writing raring to go which I sometimes can’t keep up with so I just need to make sure I have the capacity to do it all (professionally and personally). For me, the fifth quote can be used either way.

I know for a fact that Anh’s mum likes to keep copies of his memorabilia and his wife is also a writer, so I knew exactly what I signed up for when I decided to write this book reflection on his book and I just hope to do and serve them both justice with it.

What I learnt from reading his book was that no matter where you came from, you can overcome any adversity and/or heartache through hard work and the power of both perseverance and forgiveness.

I’d like to thank both these authors for allowing me to “temporarily live” in their worlds (through both their books) and I’d like to dedicate this reflection to them both.

* * *

About my assistant - Gina Lednyak is a freelance writer who was born in 1986 in Belarus and immigrated to America in 1993 where she grew up in New York. She also has a degree in psychology, is the author of 2 books Coaching blueprint and How to write the perfect book proposal. She now lives in Sydney and is a volunteer for the Bondi Lifesaving Club, worked in digital and social media consulting and online branding and now is the director and chief social media strategist for a company called Lednyak & Associates.

“Transitional empowerment”: A term that I came up with to describe when something you’ve always perceived as “negative” suddenly becomes a turning point for you which can “inspire” and/or “empower” you to turn it into a “positive”.

“Emotively immature”: “Emotively immature” is term that I’ve come up with to help me distinguish the difference between boys who wholly “live and embrace” the “boys will be boys” concept and the well-behaved “goody-two-shoes” boys.